2015 snuck in while we were sleeping. Ian, Kit, and I all had plans of staying up but not one of us could make it. We are all pretty tired.
Ian has done amazingly post transplant. His nurse practitioner today said “this is just not typical”. He continues to feel well overall. He has a little fatigue but will nap for a brief period in the afternoon and then he is back to his activities. He keeps busy answering emails, reading, walking the pod, and doing crosswords. He looks forward to visitors during the day. He truly believes that it is your prayers that have made his experience so remarkable.
Yesterday was the last day Tyler was able to visit. Ian’s neutrophil count (a measure of his immune system) is beginning to drop and Tyler seems to be coming down with a cold so the doctors have asked that he stop visiting. We focused our energy on these last visits with Tyler yesterday. He came in the morning and evening.
There is a side room by the staff auditoriums just off from the lobby and we have sort of commandeered it as our own space. We spent the evening in there with Tyler alone as a family. Ian and Tyler played chase and hide and go seek until Tyler was tired and he curled up in Ian’s lap with his bottle and blanket. Those two can snuggle till the cows come home.
As Ian said goodbye to Tyler that evening in the lobby and I walked him out and put him in his car seat in the 30 degree weather, I felt my mind invaded with question of “why?” Why is this happening? Why now? Why my husband?
The totality of sadness, anger, and utter exhaustion from these past few months has caught up with me the in the last two days and it has been hard to temper the many unfelt emotions that have built up during this experience.
My husband, who is deeply pragmatic, has told me before that he asks ‘how’ more often than he asks ‘why;’ he accepts what is and moves towards making it better. He has challenged me to ask “how?” Asking how works toward solving a problem.
We have fought to not become embittered by this experience and asking why only counteracts those efforts. The truth is we will probably never get an answer to the question of why. It hurts. It just does.
I do not know what 2015 will hold for our family but I have deep hope that it will bring healing for my husband’s body and our broken hearts. I hope that 2015 will bring peace to our home and to our neighborhoods.
Thank you all for continuing to pray. Thank you for your kind words and visits. We still welcome visitors. You motivate us to keep moving forward, to keep fighting.
Playing in lobby